Plugged into the grid

As I sit here with my head wrapped in glad wrap, I feel rather forlorn.

Not because I look ridiculous (because, I do) but because I have left a place today that is dear to my heart, in order to return to another that is even more precious. Crazy really, that we can have multiple loyalties and varied degrees of relationship that we have to juggle and arrange - all in a vain attempt to feel complete and to live with the least amount of disconnection.

Away from home this weekend I missed my family. Now that I’m here and I have them, I miss my friends. Ah, I’m such an enigma...

Why do we crave human connection so strongly? At times I’m enraged by it, but I’m not happy without it, either. I want to surround myself with people, and yet have ‘space’, too. A female riddle? I think it’s bigger than that.

Obviously there are some I want to connect with more than others (stop thinking Orlando Bloom, because I certainly wasn’t...).There are those that I love, those that I like a lot, those that I can hang with, and then of course there are those people who I just want to choke. (If you’re questioning whether this applies to you, then it probably does...) Did I mention the ones I will go to lengths to avoid; measures that fall marginally short of having the skin slowly peeled from my body by an acid bath? (Sorry, I watched a horror movie last night, which may have left me feeling a tad mentally disturbed.)

In the words of my brother, perhaps we should put all the annoying ones on an island and shoot them? Lol – can’t choose your relatives, now, can you?

There are many people in my life and all have different purposes. I’m still looking for the one that will fill the ‘clean my house’ purpose, but aside from that one special person, I’m overwhelmed with human links. I think I want to be a lone wolf, and I do make a very good one, but underneath all of that water resistant fur is a lupine that is distressed by detachment. I would rather not admit it, but I do want relationships, even when they suck.

I want freedom within the confines of my secure world of ‘my people’.

I don’t actually want to be alone.

Time to wash out the toner before I look like I’m part of the blue-rinse brigade and I find myself standing at the school pick up tomorrow on my own. Hmm, might keep that trick in reserve...